hell. i was sposed to start on the methadone today. i got woken up at 8.40...on a SATURDAY! by a woman from bloody virgin media, asking about the bill i paid yesterday, which only exists because they took a direct debit off me 6 days earlier than they said they were going to, leaving me overdrawn when im not allowed to be & facing a £35 bill from the bank. they then had the cheek to send me the bill with £10 late payment fee + £10 failed payment charge. i called them yesterday & had a good old go at them & they took off the £20 with huge apologies, & i paid the rest yesterday afternoon. only to be woken by this snotty woman this morning. I was so angry, i must have ended up sounding like a cyberman, was almost foaming at the mouth. I hate everyone in the world ANYWAY before ive had my coffee, but incandescent with rage barely covers my mood this morning! so i thought fuck it, one more day, then i start being a good girl again. i know i have to do it now, & i think i have proved to myself that i CAN do it. i just have to stick with it this time, come what may. & may is BOUND to come, the universe loves to test our resolve, usually when it is at its weakest. all i can do, is do my best i spose. Its a weight off my mind to be rid of that boy. i found a nest of white cider cans behing my sofa today. disgusting little hipocrite. still...hes GONE! i cringe that i ever let him touch me. i wish there was a delete button for that one. so. its back to being a lone musketeer & fighting the good fight one more time. wish me not luck, but strength.

I have never been so afraid of another human being in al my life as i was today. Andy had been getting steadily crazier since he has been here. Today he was supposed to be leaving. it took me 3 hours to get him out of my flat, & he scared the life out of me. i have never met true madness before today. it was like i was in a horror film. he wouldnt go. one moment he was laughing in my face, saying how devastated my mum was going to be when he got the rehab people to tell her id been using. then he was saying he loved me & trying to kiss me, then he was calling me a dirty bag head. then he was saying if i let him take some topless pictures of me he wouldnt tell them, then he was demanding money. then he was laughing at the fact that i was shaking in fear.as he went out the door he showed me one of my pictures he had stolen from my box in my room, of me naked, taken years ago. i flipped at this point & attacked him as he walked up the road & managed to get it back off him. I ran back home & locked the doors & 2 minutes later he was at the back door, trying to get in. then he went again. 10 minutes later i was sitting shaking on my bed when hes suddenly there looking in through the window with the most terrifying smile on his face. then he started singing some strange song. i was so frightened i couldnt catch my breath. I have sent an email to the woman in charge of the rehab, telling her my story from when i relapsed to now. she phoned me & has assured me she is not going to tell my parents, but wants me to keep in touch. i have just found out he has arrived back there. i still feel like i am in shock. i still feel afraid, even though he is 4 hours away. what a day. now i have to stop using again, all on my own. bring it on. nothing could be worse than what i just went through.

and have done with it. There is never a reason to use. Just excuses. I was so bloody pleased with myself yesterday, & to be honest, the whole thing hadnt been too bad. I was a bit scared when the methadone ran out, but 6 days wasnt very long to use it for, & maybe it would have been ok. But dickhead here went & scored today. As soon as I had phoned him, & was on my way, I started feeling like i was beginning to rattle, dodgy stomach, sweating, runny eyes & nose, a hell of a lot of it MUST be psychological, I was physicaly ok till then. Anyway. I did it. I cant blame Andy. But oh GOD he has done my head in. I was feeling like you do when you are coming off gear...you realy DONT want to be touched. Later on down the road, your sex drive comes back with a vengance, but,Ihadnt got to that stage. He wouldnt leave me alone. I tried to explain, that even if Brad Pitt or Sean Bean from a few years ago when he was in Sharpe (oooooh, him in that uniform!!) walked in through the door & tried to kiss me, I'd say "dont touch me!!!" but he followed me round like a puppy till I wanted to punch him. When he finally realised i really WASNT up for it, he got sulky, & downright wierd.Since he has been here, god, its only 2 days, feels like forever, he has made a mess all round my flat,left me on my own for hours, going out for walks & drinking despite saying he wasnt going to drink at all before he left the rehab, as that is what he did before when he came here. that time he hadnt finished the programme & I pursuaded him to go back & do it. This time he has been preaching to me, telling me I need to go back, with a tin of brew in his hand. Today I cracked, & when he went out, I went & scored. No reason, just an excuse. First he said, oh well, if it makes you happy, & you dont do too much & you cutdown & stop, thats ok...& then tried to get me into bed. since i have absolutely no desire for sex when on smack, he was quickly disapointed.To be honest, the whole time he has been here i have begun to feel more & more repelled by him. When we were in rehab, we had a good time, & the sex was great. I had been alone a long time, & that boy did it for me bigtime. When I finished the programme & came home, he left after a week, & again, we had some brilliant sex. but that was it. He didnt know what to do if we wernt in bed. So he got pissed, & nothing i could say or do stopped him. The longer this happened the less i wanted to sleep with him, so the more he drank, & it was in the end a relief when he went back to the rehab. when he had gone, I finally had time to reflect on things, especially about the guilt I have felt about my sister, & the way i treated her when we were kids. While doing the programme, i realised that my whole life since then had been coloured by what i had done when i was 7 or 8 or whatever it was. I think i wrote a bit about this before here. I wasnt just your average bully. I was fucking twisted. When I left rehab, i spent a week at my parents, who live close to my sister, & we had a family conference. she has qualified this year to be a councellor 7 after 3 years of therapy, had just felt able to raise the issue with our parents, it was spooky syncronisity( or however you spell it).Anyway. she spoke for the 1st time to us about how she had felt at the time about being punished, including getting hit, for things she didnt do, but i had made her take the blame for.The thing that got to me most, was her saying she still felt scared, even now to talk about it, that there was a part of her that felt she was going to be in trouble for saying anything.IM crying as i type this, despit having enough heroin in my system to kill them all. It slayed me hearing that. & how it had affected her relationship with us & with guys, & anyone she felt close to.Apart from an overwhelming sense of shame, there is part of me that is angry with my parents, for hurting my little sister all those years ago. They were the grownups. they should have known.i know thats not very rational...& they were younger than i am now, & i was a good liar. I also feel like ive lost my sister & been given a stranger. She always said she was ok, that she forgave me & not to feel bad. I have been nevertheless punishing myself with bad relationships which became progressively worse, till i finally got the guy who nearly destroyed me, & when i finally lost him, after nearly 3 years of trying to do the right things & get over it & get a life, i stumbled over heroin, & that was the only lover i needed from the 1st time i tried it.
My sister feels good now. she has faced her demons and is at last being healed. I feel like im hanging onto a log in a flooded river & sometimes i just want to let go & slip under the water. Despite al I have learned, in 2 rehabs & in my lifetime spiritual quest,I did what Ive always done for what feels like & probably IS lifetimes. I used drugs to try & change the way i felt. & since finding heroin 5 years ago,nothing else comes close.Ive got a bit distracted from the point here. Andy. he is a VERY young 26. hes a deeply desturbed individual. Hell, his dad shot himself when he was 12, after telling him to look after his mum.His arms are covered in scars where he has cut himself. What was i thinking when i told him id been using, but was stopping, & i needed some help?I should never have toldhim. I should have dumped him when he left the 1st time. I was thinking with my body,looking forward to that rampant stage when you stop using,& maybe if i had managed to stop earlier, it would have worked out better, but even then it wouldnt have been a happy ever after story, the boy is too wierd for me & probably most people, come to think of it. He has got drunk tonight,& its been declarations of love, interspersed with veiled threats about telling the staff back at the rehab,who will inevitably tell my folks, in order to get me back....did i mention they are scientologists, who justify all kinds of tactics with the "greatest good" clause? HE tried to get me to give him some gear, & he has tried to goad me into attacking him physically so he can give me a slap or two.In amongst the threats & the tears, he keeps trying to grab me & kiss me,& i have got to the stage now, where i dont feel comfortable going to sleep as i cant lock my bedroom door, so here i am writing this & thinking about what "another fine mess ive gotten myself into". He also told me he has already told one guy in the rehab i had relapsed, & his sister, even though he promised me on mine & his mothers lives not to tell anyone. I know ts pointless to go back there. Anyone can get clean in a rehab. well, i know i can. Its out here i have to prove myself. I was doing ok,I dont know what happened today,sheer stupidity i supose will have to do. hes going tomorrow so he says. Part of me will be sorry even now, but i have known really since i was in that crazy rehab it wasnt going to work out.hes got a really nasty side,i can see theres a part of him that was enjoying the hurt he was causing me when watching how i reacted to him saying how upset my mum was going to be when she finds out. It sickened me to my stomach, & partly because there was something like that in me all those years ago, when my sister was being smacked because of something i did. How long am i going to keep doing this to yself?How much more do i think i deserve?I told Andy that if my parents find out that i have had a relapse that i will kill myself, rather than continue to keep giving them hope & then taking it away. Part of me feels like that, but i dont think i could actually do it. He says he doesnt want me to die, & that getting me back to the rehab is the only solution. He cant understand that i HAVE to do it out here else i will never be able to BE out here. He thinks he is better than me, he actually SAID that, because despite the fact that he is an alcoholic & he is pissed on special brew, heroin is worse. Its just quicker, thats all.im going to creep out there & see if he has passed ot yet. if he has, i might risk going to sleep.Its horrible, not feeling safe in your own home. Theres probably thousands of women that feel like this all the time. I wish i could do something to help soe of them. I need to do something to help people. To keep me sane & give myself a purpose. first things first though. look after no.1. get her clean, & love her & respect her enough to keep her that way. & most importantly, FORGIVE her. HELEN.....I FORGIVE YOU.

well hell. here i am. the methadone ran out this morning, what there was of it, about 2.5 mils. i havent had gear for5 days. stuart has gone & andy is here. im finding it hard to be around him. i have no desire for sex, or any sort of closeness, & im wondering what the hell i was doing with this boy. i dont want him & or anyone near me. i dont know what to do. he thinks im great, he wants to save me. i just need to save myself, this is a mess. but the main thing is i havent used. i could have, & i havent. im still waiting for the withdrawals to hit. meth stays in the system 36 hours, but i didnt have much yesterday either. i feel like im waiting for a bomb to go off. i feel pretty mixed up. i want to use, but i never want to use again. i want to be on my own, but im scared to be on my own. andy is declaring love, & it makes me cringe. the sex was good, but im not feeling horny & hes just an irritating kid.oh god, what am i going to do. the main thing is i havent taken heroin for 5 days. i dont know what to do with my life, but i know what i cant do. not if i WANT a life. well done me. so far so good but its so hard.

well today i start on the methadone. was really bad yesterday, sneaked out & scored with my last 10er in the bank while stu was shopping, so he thinks the detox has started, whereas the truth is i had my last hit this morning. i made a bit of a mess of it which kind of serves me right. my excuse was i had to tell andy last night, & i was so worried about the reaction i would get, & that he might tell the staff at the rehab. if they knew, they would try to get me back, & would definately tell my family, to get me back. this would be the worst thing. anyway, i got myself a shot of courage & told him, & he was so sweet about it, shocked, worried, but very sweet. hes going to finish this week, & hopes to be here bt the weekend. He didnt even seem concerned about stuart being here, & he knows we have a lot of history, & that i used to be in love with him. I wonder about that now, how could i! but he means well, & wants to help me. its hard to keep my temper with the incessant chat tho. still. he means well. ive been at this stage so many times in the last week, never even making it to the 1st night. this time i have the methadone tho, & im skint. so there is no choice at the moment. i think it needed to be that way before i stood a chance.pathetic i know. i just pray that by next wednesday, when i next get money, i will be well enough to realise what a lucky escape i will have had, & be strong enough to keep it together. its time to stop punishing myself for events from my childhood, & build myself a life. I deserve to be free. i deserve to be happy. If i didnt i wouldnt have been given so much help since this nightmare began. Its time to help myself.

this is my last chance with stuarts help. he is angry & upset that i have used 3 times now, since i was suposed to be stopping. he was going to go home today, but is giving me another chance. hopefully i am getting some methadone today, to help me withdraw. if i blow it one more time, i will be on my own again. i dont want to do it, thats the crazy thing, i dont want to this horrible drug. but as soon as it starts to hurt, im off, running, to get more. the whole experience has been hideous, & yesterday topping myself seemed like a rational option for me. im so tired of all this. i just want my life back. i want me in control. ok. positive affirmations. I AM going to do it this time. I deserve freedom.

theres nowhere left to run, i have to sit it out this time, no money i can get my hands on, & stu watching me like a hawk. slept badly even tho i had a little left last night & a tiny bit for the morning. more psychological than anything, the amount i have been using lately. in answer to the question, this time i have beeen using since 1st of march. before that 9 months rehab,before that a habit for about 8 months, before that 18 months living in a dry house dabbling ocasionaly, before that 6 months rehab, before that 2 1/2 year habit. i came to it late in life but fell hard. anyway. today i want to run away. I want my mum, but to tell her would break her heart. I dont want to lie to andy, but i dont want to see him for a while, & if i dont tell him, thats a kind of lying. He has really taken to the programme, he is going to be really upset that i have relapsed so soon. i dont know what to do. im scared, i cant think straight. i cant write anymore, i feel sick.

stuart has been here 2 days now. yesterday, i sent him in the shower & legged it to my dealer as soon as the water sounded. today i sneaked out while he was watching telly. I have no more cash left now, & have just shamefacedly handed him my bank card.He is pretty pissed off with me. so am i. i pride myself in my trustworthyness. I always have done my best not to let people down. why cant i include myself as "people"? time is running out if i want to be anywhere near ok when andy gets here. My body is a mess. im using blunt needles..the needle exchange isnt open at weekends & as i was stopping i didnt get many last time. im covered in bruises & track marks & i look at myself & weep & still want more. This is the most disgusting thing. I would be appalled to see one of my friends in this state, i think i would be losing patience with them by now. how far down do i have to go. nothing i can think of, my family my health even my life, come into consideration when that hunger has me in its grip. I hate it. i hate me.

oh my god hes just phoned me. he is actually here, at the airport. Will he let me have today to use for the last time or is he going to get here & try to throw it away? im so bloody scared, it is actualy happening. I want it, i need it, but i dont want it. i feel sick.

The night before last, i couldnt sleep.Despite having a big hit, i lay in my bed till 6am, wondering how the hell i am going to get out of this mess.I cant do it on my own. If i go back to the rehab i was in, i would have to stay & work for them, at least 6 months, to pay for my withdrawal. i would have to give up my flat here & my independance, to work 12 hour days for very little & move from my pretty little flat to share a room with maybe 2 other women. I thought of asking andy to help me. i cant tell him while he is still there...he would tell them& apart from the shame of having relapsed so soon, they would also tell my parents, if i refused to go back there...they wanted me to work there & scientologists have few scruples when they think they know whats best in a situation. it would devestate my parents to know what a mess i am in. Or i wait till andy gets here & then enlist his help. but thats an awful thing to do....he thinks hes coming out to have some great sex with the woman he adores...hes so young, hes 26, but is stil asked for id when he buys alcohol in most shops. He would be upset & it wouldnt be fair & i doubt he could handle it. Hes got just over a week left in there.So all my choices look bad. Yesterday, i got a phone call from stuart. he is the guy who first introduced me to this enslaving drug. my heart had been broken, i was 38. Id never even seen heroin. he was the one who told me my ex had a habit. About all the girls he had cheated on me with. (i ended up finding him in bed with this girl i later found he was using with ) I hung about with stu more than a year before he gave me smack. i watched him go through hell with it. he swore he would never give any to me. I didnt want to do it but damm me & my "that sounds like a challenge to me"s when i started asking him to give it to me, i wasnt going to do it, i just wanted to be able to say.."you said you wouldnt do that!" when he offered it to me.when i finaly got him to put some in a cigarette, i thought to hell with it, & smoked it. that was all it took. a massage from god was my first thought. 2 years later, after my ex had come back & we had spent the worst year of my life (so far) using together, & he had abandoned me & gone back to the mother of his daughter that he left for me 7 years earlier, i went to rehab. i was there 6 months. 3 months later i dabbled for the 1st time. it took more than a year before i used for 3 days in a row & then felt a bit ill when i stopped & got some more. I got this flat the same time i got my habit back. I used here for 6 months to the point when i was about to lose my home & my veins were such a mess i couldnt get the damm stuff in me, then my uncle paid for me to go to the rehab i left in feb. I kept in touch with stu the whole time. he had stopped & started a few times. my family hate him. they blame him, which is kind of understandable, but i was a grown up. i had SEEN what it did to him & i STILL went & did it. I did kind of fall in love with him for quite a while, he made me laugh when i never thought i would laugh again. we were never lovers, we became as close as 2 people can get without sleeping together. he has got clean & gone to live in italy with his girlfriend. when i was in that rehab, part of the programme i did included writing to him, telling him how much we as addicts hurt our families, told him what great potential he was wasting...he is an amazing singer & gituarist& ended with me saying that i f he carried on using, i would have to regretfully disconnect from him, as i no longer wanted users in my life. He said my letter is one of the few things he took with him to italy. he went there & got clean & is happier than he has ever been. he is playing & singing in bars. he has somewhere beautiful to live. When i told him what had happened to me i heard nothing for a while. yesterday he phoned me & told me he was coming to see me. he says he has a flight booked & will be here tomorrow. he said he is going to stay here until i am clean. I am having a hard time believing this. he has let me down & lied to me & conned me out of money & behaved pretty badly to me at times when we were using. I am having a really hard time believing that just when i really need someone, stuart is going to be there for me. im scared.im afraid to hope & im afraid of what i have to go through if by some mirracle it IS true. I guess i will find out tomorrow. Im shaking. I dont know what i will do if he doesnt come. I feel so alone. I pray that this will happen, i dread what will happen if he lets me down.