So here I am. I barely know what I am doing, this is all new to me. My name is Helen, & im an addict. That is how it would begin if I let one of my friends drag me to a 12 step meeting. I would have to "admit that I was powerless". "Hand my life & my will over to the care of God (as we understand Him)". Get a sponsor, & let them tell me what to do, how to run my life. I dont want to do that. Yes, I know they have probably the best success rate at keeping people off drugs. I dont have a prblem with the concept of a "higher Power". God is everything, everywhere. God is heroin, God is my mothers tears. I am 43 days out of my 2nd rehab, & i have been using for the last 19 days. Long enough to have a habit, long enough to know Im going to feel It in al Its glory,..the streaming eyes, the sneezing, the hideous tickly cough, the screaming lungs & the mind-twisting deperate craving, as every cell in my body begs "just one more bag". I know the longer i put it off, the worse it is going to get, in every way. I have never been able to stop on my own for more than a matter of days. I am terrified. Theres nowhere left to go. If I dont stop,I lose everything. My flat, my friends & ultimately the family that have supported me, loved me & broken their hearts over me these last 5 years. If I cant stop, I may as well go back to the needle I struggle to resist every day, & fill it up. Twice now, I have got to 9 months clean & fallen back under the dragons spell. This time i have to fight my way out alone. I am writing this hoping that it will help me to keep going when it starts to hurt. Its a beautifull warm spring day. There is electricity on the meter, yoghurts in the fridge & a stack of books by the bed. I wish i could do the sybmolic act of throwing away the last of the gear. There will be enough left for one last smoke in the morning. Then the descent into hell begins. Let the fun begin!
