coldturkey

Well I did it. I have finaly deleted that number. My stomach is full of fear,i know whats "in the post". thanks to Jake, for the encouragement, I feel so alone. I have never been able to do this on my own. This time im out of options. My uncle spent £15000 sending me to rehab last year. I did a NHS one 3 years ago. This time its detox by blog. Ive got vitamins, beer, bubblebath & books. There is also a bloke, well more of a boy really. Hes 26, looks 17. Im 44 by the way. Hes leaving the rehab where we met in a couple of weeks or so...coming to see me. I have to be ok by then. Im shaking. This is really IT. I get to sleep tonight, after that its insomnia, crawling skin, shivering, aching bones & an overwhelming HUNGER for something that wants to slowly kill me. Mad huh? I thought I was an intelligent woman...shit, i AM an intelligent woman. I just did an incredibly stupid thing. Now i pay.
Bedtime. Goodnight.

One more button to press. I have deleted the dealers number from "calls dialed" & "calls recieved" Just the other one to go. The one in my phone book.I have picked up my phone & put it down all evening. I wont be able to stop with that in my phone. Its got to go. Stopping means not doing it any more. Sounds obvious, but i have met so many people who want to stop being junkies, they just dont want to stop using heroin. It doesnt make sense when you write it down. A lot of the things we think & feel dont make sense. That doesnt mean they are not real. My heart pounds, when my finger wavers over that delete button. My stomach turns over with fear. As it does when i think of the future that awaits me if i dont. One more day has become 20. Thats £400. That could have been a holiday. My lungs hurt. Thats the tin foil. If i dont stop now, the next step is the needle. Please Helen. No more steps down that road.

I have to confess. I blew it. Went out & scored again. I cant keep doing this. The money is running out. Im loosing the fantastic tits i grew in the last 9 months of being clean. My toy boy will be getting out of rehab soon, coming to see me. I cant be a messed up junkie who has no interest in sex when he gets here.Its not like we have anything else in common. And the sex was GOOD. I remember that. & it had been a LONG time. & it will be again, if i dont knuckle down & do this damn rattle. (cold turkey, for the vast majority, who have no idea what the bloody junkie is talking about.) Oh God. The plan was to cut down, so when i stopped it wouldnt be quite so bad. But im just prolonging it, it WILL be bad whichever way i do it. I HAVE to delete the bloody number. I dont know anyone else. Delete it, shut the door, & prepare to sweat. & shake. & CRAVE..........oh God. I know it wont kill me. I will just wish it would. Im so ANGRY with myself. All i learned. All I know & here I am again. Serves me bloody right. There are people out there with proper illnesses, suffering & its not their fault. This is totally self inflicted. I dont think I believe the "addiction is a disease" thing the 12 steppers spout. I was lonely & bored & didnt know what to do with the rest of my life. I need a purpose as much as I need to get clean, else I will be back here. (if I get away from here this time) Im hungry. Be back later.