Its nice to know there are people out there wishing me well. It also makes me feel kind of shy. I dont know what i was expecting when i started this, ive never done this before. I dont know if i am going to be able to keep it up,i dont seem to know much right now. What i do know, is I HATE THIS. didnt sleep very well last night, & i still had it in my system a bit. Had the last tarry smear out of my smoking tube this morning, so now it really begins. Already, I am fighting the strong urge to get on my bike & ride around looking for the dealer.Before i get to weak & darent go too far from a toilet. I have already looked on my phone, under missed calls, in case i still had his number, but i didnt. Theres a horrible taste in my mouth & i feel cold. Ive been here so many times, the longest ive lasted is 3 days, on my own.It was different in rehab, but then i was far from home, & I had no money. Not having a choice, makes it easier. Its still a horrible experience, but I didnt have to fight my own mind the whole time. That is the hardest thing. It doesnt matter how resolute i start off. When the cravings kick in, that all goes out the window. I am so scared. I HAVE TO DO THIS. God help me.
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fighting
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Hi theHelen...first of all, blogging can be rather overwhelming - I think it's to do with blogland being anonymous yet personal at the same time. So, whilst we're all real people, how close or distant you are is entirely up to you.
Sounds like things are pretty rough at the moment. Do you have a friend that could come and stay for a few days? Or any relatives you could visit? Perhaps it might help when you have cravings...??
Most importantly of all, don't give up - the first steps are always the hardest.
Thinking of you xxx
2007-03-31 @ 11:48
I hope you are getting through it, it's been a few days now.
when I've been at my worst (different thing) I found praying helped - you know - just demanding some help from something super-human, like angels or something.
I don't believe any of it when I'm level-headed! But in moments of severe torture it helps. Don't know why. Maybe something is out there - even if it's only your better self waiting to be activated by your pain.
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2007-03-30 @ 21:51