The night before last, i couldnt sleep.Despite having a big hit, i lay in my bed till 6am, wondering how the hell i am going to get out of this mess.I cant do it on my own. If i go back to the rehab i was in, i would have to stay & work for them, at least 6 months, to pay for my withdrawal. i would have to give up my flat here & my independance, to work 12 hour days for very little & move from my pretty little flat to share a room with maybe 2 other women. I thought of asking andy to help me. i cant tell him while he is still there...he would tell them& apart from the shame of having relapsed so soon, they would also tell my parents, if i refused to go back there...they wanted me to work there & scientologists have few scruples when they think they know whats best in a situation. it would devestate my parents to know what a mess i am in. Or i wait till andy gets here & then enlist his help. but thats an awful thing to do....he thinks hes coming out to have some great sex with the woman he adores...hes so young, hes 26, but is stil asked for id when he buys alcohol in most shops. He would be upset & it wouldnt be fair & i doubt he could handle it. Hes got just over a week left in there.So all my choices look bad. Yesterday, i got a phone call from stuart. he is the guy who first introduced me to this enslaving drug. my heart had been broken, i was 38. Id never even seen heroin. he was the one who told me my ex had a habit. About all the girls he had cheated on me with. (i ended up finding him in bed with this girl i later found he was using with ) I hung about with stu more than a year before he gave me smack. i watched him go through hell with it. he swore he would never give any to me. I didnt want to do it but damm me & my "that sounds like a challenge to me"s when i started asking him to give it to me, i wasnt going to do it, i just wanted to be able to say.."you said you wouldnt do that!" when he offered it to me.when i finaly got him to put some in a cigarette, i thought to hell with it, & smoked it. that was all it took. a massage from god was my first thought. 2 years later, after my ex had come back & we had spent the worst year of my life (so far) using together, & he had abandoned me & gone back to the mother of his daughter that he left for me 7 years earlier, i went to rehab. i was there 6 months. 3 months later i dabbled for the 1st time. it took more than a year before i used for 3 days in a row & then felt a bit ill when i stopped & got some more. I got this flat the same time i got my habit back. I used here for 6 months to the point when i was about to lose my home & my veins were such a mess i couldnt get the damm stuff in me, then my uncle paid for me to go to the rehab i left in feb. I kept in touch with stu the whole time. he had stopped & started a few times. my family hate him. they blame him, which is kind of understandable, but i was a grown up. i had SEEN what it did to him & i STILL went & did it. I did kind of fall in love with him for quite a while, he made me laugh when i never thought i would laugh again. we were never lovers, we became as close as 2 people can get without sleeping together. he has got clean & gone to live in italy with his girlfriend. when i was in that rehab, part of the programme i did included writing to him, telling him how much we as addicts hurt our families, told him what great potential he was wasting...he is an amazing singer & gituarist& ended with me saying that i f he carried on using, i would have to regretfully disconnect from him, as i no longer wanted users in my life. He said my letter is one of the few things he took with him to italy. he went there & got clean & is happier than he has ever been. he is playing & singing in bars. he has somewhere beautiful to live. When i told him what had happened to me i heard nothing for a while. yesterday he phoned me & told me he was coming to see me. he says he has a flight booked & will be here tomorrow. he said he is going to stay here until i am clean. I am having a hard time believing this. he has let me down & lied to me & conned me out of money & behaved pretty badly to me at times when we were using. I am having a really hard time believing that just when i really need someone, stuart is going to be there for me. im scared.im afraid to hope & im afraid of what i have to go through if by some mirracle it IS true. I guess i will find out tomorrow. Im shaking. I dont know what i will do if he doesnt come. I feel so alone. I pray that this will happen, i dread what will happen if he lets me down.