this is my last chance with stuarts help. he is angry & upset that i have used 3 times now, since i was suposed to be stopping. he was going to go home today, but is giving me another chance. hopefully i am getting some methadone today, to help me withdraw. if i blow it one more time, i will be on my own again. i dont want to do it, thats the crazy thing, i dont want to this horrible drug. but as soon as it starts to hurt, im off, running, to get more. the whole experience has been hideous, & yesterday topping myself seemed like a rational option for me. im so tired of all this. i just want my life back. i want me in control. ok. positive affirmations. I AM going to do it this time. I deserve freedom.