well today i start on the methadone. was really bad yesterday, sneaked out & scored with my last 10er in the bank while stu was shopping, so he thinks the detox has started, whereas the truth is i had my last hit this morning. i made a bit of a mess of it which kind of serves me right. my excuse was i had to tell andy last night, & i was so worried about the reaction i would get, & that he might tell the staff at the rehab. if they knew, they would try to get me back, & would definately tell my family, to get me back. this would be the worst thing. anyway, i got myself a shot of courage & told him, & he was so sweet about it, shocked, worried, but very sweet. hes going to finish this week, & hopes to be here bt the weekend. He didnt even seem concerned about stuart being here, & he knows we have a lot of history, & that i used to be in love with him. I wonder about that now, how could i! but he means well, & wants to help me. its hard to keep my temper with the incessant chat tho. still. he means well. ive been at this stage so many times in the last week, never even making it to the 1st night. this time i have the methadone tho, & im skint. so there is no choice at the moment. i think it needed to be that way before i stood a chance.pathetic i know. i just pray that by next wednesday, when i next get money, i will be well enough to realise what a lucky escape i will have had, & be strong enough to keep it together. its time to stop punishing myself for events from my childhood, & build myself a life. I deserve to be free. i deserve to be happy. If i didnt i wouldnt have been given so much help since this nightmare began. Its time to help myself.