and have done with it. There is never a reason to use. Just excuses. I was so bloody pleased with myself yesterday, & to be honest, the whole thing hadnt been too bad. I was a bit scared when the methadone ran out, but 6 days wasnt very long to use it for, & maybe it would have been ok. But dickhead here went & scored today. As soon as I had phoned him, & was on my way, I started feeling like i was beginning to rattle, dodgy stomach, sweating, runny eyes & nose, a hell of a lot of it MUST be psychological, I was physicaly ok till then. Anyway. I did it. I cant blame Andy. But oh GOD he has done my head in. I was feeling like you do when you are coming off gear...you realy DONT want to be touched. Later on down the road, your sex drive comes back with a vengance, but,Ihadnt got to that stage. He wouldnt leave me alone. I tried to explain, that even if Brad Pitt or Sean Bean from a few years ago when he was in Sharpe (oooooh, him in that uniform!!) walked in through the door & tried to kiss me, I'd say "dont touch me!!!" but he followed me round like a puppy till I wanted to punch him. When he finally realised i really WASNT up for it, he got sulky, & downright wierd.Since he has been here, god, its only 2 days, feels like forever, he has made a mess all round my flat,left me on my own for hours, going out for walks & drinking despite saying he wasnt going to drink at all before he left the rehab, as that is what he did before when he came here. that time he hadnt finished the programme & I pursuaded him to go back & do it. This time he has been preaching to me, telling me I need to go back, with a tin of brew in his hand. Today I cracked, & when he went out, I went & scored. No reason, just an excuse. First he said, oh well, if it makes you happy, & you dont do too much & you cutdown & stop, thats ok...& then tried to get me into bed. since i have absolutely no desire for sex when on smack, he was quickly disapointed.To be honest, the whole time he has been here i have begun to feel more & more repelled by him. When we were in rehab, we had a good time, & the sex was great. I had been alone a long time, & that boy did it for me bigtime. When I finished the programme & came home, he left after a week, & again, we had some brilliant sex. but that was it. He didnt know what to do if we wernt in bed. So he got pissed, & nothing i could say or do stopped him. The longer this happened the less i wanted to sleep with him, so the more he drank, & it was in the end a relief when he went back to the rehab. when he had gone, I finally had time to reflect on things, especially about the guilt I have felt about my sister, & the way i treated her when we were kids. While doing the programme, i realised that my whole life since then had been coloured by what i had done when i was 7 or 8 or whatever it was. I think i wrote a bit about this before here. I wasnt just your average bully. I was fucking twisted. When I left rehab, i spent a week at my parents, who live close to my sister, & we had a family conference. she has qualified this year to be a councellor 7 after 3 years of therapy, had just felt able to raise the issue with our parents, it was spooky syncronisity( or however you spell it).Anyway. she spoke for the 1st time to us about how she had felt at the time about being punished, including getting hit, for things she didnt do, but i had made her take the blame for.The thing that got to me most, was her saying she still felt scared, even now to talk about it, that there was a part of her that felt she was going to be in trouble for saying anything.IM crying as i type this, despit having enough heroin in my system to kill them all. It slayed me hearing that. & how it had affected her relationship with us & with guys, & anyone she felt close to.Apart from an overwhelming sense of shame, there is part of me that is angry with my parents, for hurting my little sister all those years ago. They were the grownups. they should have known.i know thats not very rational...& they were younger than i am now, & i was a good liar. I also feel like ive lost my sister & been given a stranger. She always said she was ok, that she forgave me & not to feel bad. I have been nevertheless punishing myself with bad relationships which became progressively worse, till i finally got the guy who nearly destroyed me, & when i finally lost him, after nearly 3 years of trying to do the right things & get over it & get a life, i stumbled over heroin, & that was the only lover i needed from the 1st time i tried it.
My sister feels good now. she has faced her demons and is at last being healed. I feel like im hanging onto a log in a flooded river & sometimes i just want to let go & slip under the water. Despite al I have learned, in 2 rehabs & in my lifetime spiritual quest,I did what Ive always done for what feels like & probably IS lifetimes. I used drugs to try & change the way i felt. & since finding heroin 5 years ago,nothing else comes close.Ive got a bit distracted from the point here. Andy. he is a VERY young 26. hes a deeply desturbed individual. Hell, his dad shot himself when he was 12, after telling him to look after his mum.His arms are covered in scars where he has cut himself. What was i thinking when i told him id been using, but was stopping, & i needed some help?I should never have toldhim. I should have dumped him when he left the 1st time. I was thinking with my body,looking forward to that rampant stage when you stop using,& maybe if i had managed to stop earlier, it would have worked out better, but even then it wouldnt have been a happy ever after story, the boy is too wierd for me & probably most people, come to think of it. He has got drunk tonight,& its been declarations of love, interspersed with veiled threats about telling the staff back at the rehab,who will inevitably tell my folks, in order to get me back....did i mention they are scientologists, who justify all kinds of tactics with the "greatest good" clause? HE tried to get me to give him some gear, & he has tried to goad me into attacking him physically so he can give me a slap or two.In amongst the threats & the tears, he keeps trying to grab me & kiss me,& i have got to the stage now, where i dont feel comfortable going to sleep as i cant lock my bedroom door, so here i am writing this & thinking about what "another fine mess ive gotten myself into". He also told me he has already told one guy in the rehab i had relapsed, & his sister, even though he promised me on mine & his mothers lives not to tell anyone. I know ts pointless to go back there. Anyone can get clean in a rehab. well, i know i can. Its out here i have to prove myself. I was doing ok,I dont know what happened today,sheer stupidity i supose will have to do. hes going tomorrow so he says. Part of me will be sorry even now, but i have known really since i was in that crazy rehab it wasnt going to work out.hes got a really nasty side,i can see theres a part of him that was enjoying the hurt he was causing me when watching how i reacted to him saying how upset my mum was going to be when she finds out. It sickened me to my stomach, & partly because there was something like that in me all those years ago, when my sister was being smacked because of something i did. How long am i going to keep doing this to yself?How much more do i think i deserve?I told Andy that if my parents find out that i have had a relapse that i will kill myself, rather than continue to keep giving them hope & then taking it away. Part of me feels like that, but i dont think i could actually do it. He says he doesnt want me to die, & that getting me back to the rehab is the only solution. He cant understand that i HAVE to do it out here else i will never be able to BE out here. He thinks he is better than me, he actually SAID that, because despite the fact that he is an alcoholic & he is pissed on special brew, heroin is worse. Its just quicker, thats all.im going to creep out there & see if he has passed ot yet. if he has, i might risk going to sleep.Its horrible, not feeling safe in your own home. Theres probably thousands of women that feel like this all the time. I wish i could do something to help soe of them. I need to do something to help people. To keep me sane & give myself a purpose. first things first though. look after no.1. get her clean, & love her & respect her enough to keep her that way. & most importantly, FORGIVE her. HELEN.....I FORGIVE YOU.