So, once more, it has come to this. Today i went to the needle exchange. I have exchanged aluminium for cold steel. My veins are not as recovered in 9 months as i had thought, it took a few attempts. I felt scared, but i still did it. i feel empty now. Unreal. I guess it was always going to come to this, since i first relapsed. My lungs couldnt take the foil anymore.What i have left will last longer...theres no more money for more. or for electricity or for food. theres 8 days before my next payment. if i am careful, & dont use the thirsty heater much, the electris will last 4 more days, tops. part of me wants to put all of it in one hit, leave no note & let them think it was an accident. The last 5 years have been dominated by this drug. getting it, trying to stop taking it, trying to stay clean, & failing.my weakness disgusts me. I remember how the attitude of the young ones in that rehab used to upset me, how hard i tried to make them see that there was more to recovery than stopping taking their drug of choice for a while. im always trying to help & heal other people, but when it comes to me....what? i know the theory. i know the score. i know im no different from anyone else who has a drug problem.im not stupid. i feel so lost.so alone. im not asking for symathy. i have none for myself. i am angry with myself. i must think i deserve this, else i wouldnt be here. i have had so much help & support, & i have thrown it back in their faces. how utterly selfish. and here i am, full of smack, & it doesnt even do what it says on the can. heroin notoriously wraps you up in cotton wool & stops you feeling anything. so why am i sitting bent over this key board crying my eyes out? why do i think of my mum, saying "oh my helen" & feel such pain? I cant write anymore. im going to have another hit.not all of it. im not giving up. I cant do that to her, to all of them, however much i want to. The price i pay is to have to carry on being alive. im sorry to inflict my misery on anyone who might be reading this. I have no one i can talk to, i dont want anyone to know just how badly i have f**d up.
