Have neverfelt so alone as i do now. i havnt seen anyone apart from dealers & people who use, for weeks now. Andy phones me nearly every night, looking forward to coming to see me in just over a week & me with track marks up my arms & a big bruise on my leg, oh god what am i going to do.I met the dealer i used to se before rehab yesterday. hes still serving up, its a wonder it took this long to run into him. he only lives down the road. He said he d seen that i was back, hoped that i was clean. he seemed genuinely disappointed to hear i was using. he gave me his number when i asked for it, but kept telling me to "ring them up & get my ass back there," The other dealer too, is encouraging me to stop,before its too late & i start doing things i dont want to, to get the money. Everywhere i go, people seem to care about me, even smack dealers. What am i doing, do i really want to destroy myself & my family? am i so pathetic i cant face a bit of pain to get myself out of this hole before i lose everything? I struggled to get a hit this morning. Already, its only been a few days. my arms are a mess. ive lost at least a stone, not that i didnt need to, but thats enough. this HAS to stop. somehow, i must embrace the pain, & say bring it on. im better than this. I AM.
