If i dont do it now, i can forget about andy. Even if i stop now, when this little bit runs out, im still going to be pretty weak when he gets here. The marks will be fading, but still visible, as will the weight i have lost...i wont have much of an appitite for a while. Its getting hard to find a vein, especialy first thing in the morning, & that desperate feeling i remember so well as i hurry to stop the shakes, the sick feeling the damm HUNGER to get that foul stuff in my blood, is back in force. When you are in rehab, theres no choice, you have to do it. Then its just the physical stuff to get through. Horrible, hard, but once it starts, & you are doing it & theres no choice, its doable. There are people looking after you. Encouraging you. Empathising. Here the main battle is with my head. As soon as the physical symptoms start, the brain starts giving you excuses, making up plans,its like someone else takes over,they dont care about people or food or bills. They just want you sitting, with that needle in your hand, trying to find a way in to your bruised battered body.As soon as this is achieved, they give you back & theres no drug strong enough to numb the self disgust you feel as you lose one more round to your enemy - yourself. God help me get through this. Give me the strength to fight.
